Lawrence, KS : The Pine Wood Derby

A Newsletter by Michael Coggins. We'll cover hitting puberty, the Boy Scouts, and the infamous Pine Wood Derby.

Today let's take a mental stroll. Pretend you are once again 8 years old...

Curtis: Nice neon green tank-top Michael. I wish my mom would dress me like that!!
Michael: Thanks, I have a hot magenta one too.
Curtis: What's that in your armpit?....????? Oh my god, it's hair!!!!!!!!!!

Instead of becoming the 8 year old we once were, let's pretend we are some normal version of an 8 year old, equipped with innocence, love, a belief in Santa Claus and a level of testosterone lower than that of a wookie cub. If we fulfilled all of those qualities, you guessed it, we would be in the Boy Scouts (provided we are both white and non-Jewish).

Since I never was one myself, I may get some of these facts a bit wrong, but every Scout looks forward to the Super Bowl of badge earning opportunities: The Pine Wood Derby. This enthusiasm stems from a healthy spirit for competition and not necessarily the chance of eyeing a mostly exposed breast during the halftime show (remember, this is their Super Bowl) These kids base their self worth on whose block of wood slide's down a curved incline the fastest. I can't imagine a healthier system. To ensure this experience is as blood thirsty as it sounds, fathers become involved to offer guidance, lend craftsmanship, and to assert more pressure on their prepubescent sons than they will face until moms get involved to help them chose a bride. Even though there were Marines who approached Iwo Jima with less competitiveness, this attitude is a direct result of an under funded bus system a few decades ago. What is he talking about? you ask. Well I will tell you, I reply. If you had to walk up a hill with 15 inches of snow on it just to get to school, for 12 consecutive years no less, you, obviously, would take a Pine Wood Derby more seriously, than say, a mother, who could not possibly understand the cutthroat nature of the Boy Scouts. (Note: Lawrence has one hill and it is rarely covered in snow)

Ok, so now we are ready for the big day. Our hard work is going to pay off. Remember now, we are eight, we want to win, but a life lesson may be taken out of the whole experience; grace in defeat, value of preparation, you can't always get what you want, sometimes your father can embarrass you and shame himself simultaneously by illegally hollowing out your car and filling it with Mercury. My cynical adult brain is asking where the hell do you buy Mercury, but my eight year old psyche says “oh my god, my father is a mad scientist!!!!” While we are on the topic of my compartmentalized brain, I have a Republican asking how much clean up will cost me, a Democrat wondering who will council the poor child through this crisis, a Scientist pondering how much of the toxin was released into the environment and (god knows how she got in there) a young yet pragmatic girl wondering why the hell we have Pine Wood Derbies anyway.

This scenario actually happened, here in Kansas' happy-go-lucky liberal oasis of Lawrence. You wouldn't imagine this could take place in a town that has an organic food store and a gourmet dog biscuit shop. We are a rational people who lean more towards tree hugging and drug use than cheating on our taxes or never letting go of the glory that winning a pine wood derby can bring.

I suppose we all should take a moment and try to take a lesson away from this....Is anyone reading this actually in danger of doing something like this? If so, let me know and I won't ever talk to you again. Ok, back to a lesson, how about this; if you feel the need to assist your children and in doing so you will expose them to nerve agents (easier to find in Lawrence Public Schools now than it is in Iraq, trust me, I know someone who is looking for them) and then accidentally expose a large room full of young children you should be glad our laws haven't thought of sick bastards like yourself and that the school district will pick up the $5,000 cleanup tab. I can't imagine this lesson will be useful to anyone, but you never know what can happen at the pressure-cooker commonly called The Pine Wood Derby.

--Michael Coggins--