Recipes : How to Make a Peep Sandwich

What I did Last Summer: The Peep Sandwich, Cookies dunked in Ranch Dressing, and other weird recipes.

Well, summer is over and classes have begun. There are a lot good intentions that I never got around to, but I'll have to leave my procrastinating till next summer. My goal to start a moped club has now given way to the necessity of introducing myself to new students and collegues, establishing dominance on the 4-Square court, and answering the age-old question: "What did you do this summer?" I could tell you how the last of my single friends got hitched. Or how I independently verified that the town of WOOSTA exists in Massachusetts where the map clearly says "Worcester." How I drove a Ford pick up through rich Seattle neighborhoods and proudly displayed its gun rack and bumper sticker "Horn Broken. Watch for Finger." How I met the film composer Howard Shore. How in Chicago I saw more Goth Chicks than I knew existed. Or how I had the sincerest intentions of finally learning how to fold a fitted sheet, but in the end I realized how this goes against the great cosmic order, so I ultimately came to terms with the fact that those linen-elastic schizoid beasts simply belong wadded up and stuffed into the nether-regions of my closet's top shelf.

But in the interest of modesty, I'll refrain from elaborating on all those things, because what I really wanted to tell you about was the culinary prowess of my friend Tom. In Tom's world, all the world is a pantry, and through acts of creativity, an artist can bring to life new food-forms heretofore unknown to the planet Earth.

The Peep Sandwich

(Ingredients: Wonder Bread, Butter, Marshmallow Peeps)
Tom's wife assures me this was created during a meagre time of dietary duress, but she did inform me that Tom still sneaks these in from time to time even after college and its days of Ramen. All you gotta do is butter up a couple slices of Wonder Bread and slap them over a couple 'shmallows of the Peeps persuasion.

The Ranch Cookie

Ranch Cookies

(Ingredients: Chocolate Chip Cookies, Ranch Dressing)
The ingredient list pretty much explains this one. The governing principle here is one of a milk shortage. Don't got milk? Just dunk your cookies in some ranch dressing. It might even leave one of those little lactose 'staches.

Kernels and Condiments

Again, necessity is the mother of invention. In this case, we enter the cold and grim world where not only do we lack lactating cows (goats, dogs, et al), we also lack a source of heat. Let it be said that popcorn kernels can be detonated in a microwave, on the stove, in the sink with an acetylene torch, or even in a crack pipe with a lighter.

But this wonderful recipe is entirely possible without any of those things. All you do is put a handful of unpopped kernels in your mouth. As they slowly dissolve, lubricate them with mustard of the type readily available in free single serve packets at the local cafeteria, hot dog vendor, or in the door of your refrigerator.

Chicken Nuggets and Chocolate

If you're all about unusual combinations, you'll have to try this zinger. Be sure to use fatty chicken that resembles sebaceous gristle more than actual poultry meat. The local McDonalds should be able to help you out. Hershey's chocolate sauce is the simplest batter to be used here, but if you can get ahold of some of the heat-sensitive chocolate of the type used by Diary Queen, your palette will be rewarded by a combination that is both flavorful and texturally appealing.

Popcorn and Milk

This is basically the progenitor for several cereals, most saliently Pops. Cook up your popcorn (preferably sans salt and butter), then add milk. If you have any unpopped kernels, you can try your hand at the abovementioned Kernels and Condiments.